Monday, March 29, 2010

One Future of Mankind
The Curse, Rape and Murder of Cassandra

Seeing the future.

Why bother?

If the seer sees the future, why bother telling anyone? What's to change? If all is fated, all happened before and we just get to live through the pattern. Why talk about it?

No one wants to listen anyway. Everyone is off chasing aliens, Armageddons, money, power, wars, more mysterious menaces and mayhem.

What do you get for thanks telling anyone anyway? What did Cassandra get? Cursed, raped, murdered, her family killed, her children killed. Nobody believes Cassandra. It's a waste of time, wasting insight on the wasted, making one's self into an abuse magnet. Fun times not.

And then there's that nagging fact that We Never Know Everything About Anything. And that Vagueness Factor, all generalized and unfocused, easily open for interpretation. "Tell us something solid we can do something about!" cry the few who care to listen. "At least give us a date, dammit!" "Just another lunatic" tossed over the back at departure. Find another future.

Toss the topping on top of 'The Madman Across the Water' or 'The Fool on the Hill' clichés I already get to enjoy every day of my life in required exile from the stress of other people's craziness. "We humans are crazy!" I cry. "Oh, that's something to recommend your insight. Well, we think you're crazy too!" "Yeah, I just said that."

To get listened to, you have to be extra strange, metaphysical, profound in some way that engages the imagination. Ooo. Reincarnated spiritual leader! We like that. ESP is way kewl! Anything we can't empirically prove. That's more like it! Yawns and abuse otherwise. How about those Mayans! That Book of Revelation! So trippy it's gotta be true.

Yes, got the picture. It's a waste of time having insight. Prophets are a dime dozen. Last week's end of the world gives way to this week's end of the world. Yet another return of Jesus. Whose apostle am I supposed to be this time? Been there. Seen that. Totally agree. Well worth ignoring.

Seeing the future.

Why bother?

I didn't ask to see the future anyway!
I did actually.
Apparently it's only for my benefit.
So I should shut up.

"And yet..." contemplates the foolish seer.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

How To Abuse Your Customers 101:

Ad Blasting, covered in our previous lesson, is not typically effective at establishing your domination over your customers. It has too much of a random incompetence factor to make your disrespect for your customers blatantly clear. Thus we move on to a higher and more definitive level of disrespect, Ad Slamming.

Simply defined, Ad Slamming is the presentation of repeating product ads within a single advertising session. The type of media used for the advertisements is irrelevant. However, the most effective Ad Slamming is performed using television or movie theater previews. There are a number of levels of Ad Slamming. Let us start with the least offensive method, working our way to the most offensive of all. The naming of each level of slamming has not been established within the vernacular. I have, however, nominated some naming of my own for your consideration and enjoyment.

The first degree of Ad Slamming involves the advertising of a particular product at non-sequential times within an ad session using dissimilar ads. I call this 'Slap Slamming'. The concept is to keep the victim awake throughout the ad session through the use of suspense and anticipation. The most effective of Slap Slamming ads are used to cap both ends of an ad session. The first part of the two ads is used to tantalize the victim customer such that they want to see the resolving second part of the ad. For example, an automobile company states in part 1 of a slap slam ad that they have lowered interest rates on their car loans to an unprecedented level, but the customer will have to wade through further ads until part 2 is presented as a resolution, providing the awaited low interest rate number. Slap Slamming is perceived as the least offensive of the Ad Slamming options.

The second degree of Ad Slamming again uses dissimilar ads for the same product, but they are abutted one against the other. I call this 'Hammer Slamming.' The most famous of these ads are from the car insurance company Geico. Because these ads are typically written to be humorous, the victim customer does not perceive the inherent disrespect in this type of slamming. If properly written and performed, the victim may even long to see several of these ads in succession, never perceiving how the product is being hammered into their brain again and again.

The third degree of Ad Slamming places the doubled presentation of the exact same advertisement within an ad session at non-consecutive times. Here the percussive effect upon the victim is more severe and blatant. I call this 'Anvil Slamming', similar to having an anvil dropped on the head of a cartoon character. This type of Ad Slamming clearly presents disrespect for the customer, but keeps open the possibility that the doubling of the ad was the result of programmer incompetence. For example, the victim could picture that the programming engineer at the television station accidentally hit an advertising cart button twice, out of succession, by accident. This provides deniability should, for example, ad victims call and rant at the Ad Slamming television station.

The fourth degree of Ad Slamming doubles the exact same ad twice in succession. Due to the extremely high offensiveness of this type of Ad Slamming, I call this 'F*ck Slamming'. It is the equivalent of a mental rape. There is very little chance of deniability with this type of Ad Slamming. Therefore, it must be kept to a minimum and used, if possible, with only the most dim-witted of the target audience. For example, the use of F*ck Slamming during a National Geographic presentation or a romantic film on the Oxygen or Lifetime networks is extremely dangerous, typically resulting in swift and vicious retaliation by the victim. However, F*ck Slamming during a professional wrestling program or any programming on the FoxNews Network is nearly unnoticeable by the relatively dull-witted victim audience. Despite the offensiveness of this type of Ad Slamming, it is considered to be the most effective of all, making the deepest impression of the product into the victim's mind.

Note that there could potentially be higher degrees of Ad Slamming, such as showing the same ad three or more times in succession. However, at this time, this degree of ad slamming is considered offensive even within the advertising community. It is simply not done.

Another cultural limitation upon Ad Slamming is the use of professional quality ads in any but first and second degree slamming. If the advertiser wishes to elevate to third degree Ad Slamming or above, it is required that the ads be poorly produced, as would be created in the locale of the victim. The professional advertising community would most likely severely admonish any advertising firm or television network involved in third degree Ad Slamming or above. For example, a professional car advertisement from Ford Motor Company would never be used in third or fourth degree Ad Slamming. However, third or fourth level Ad Slamming is commonly used from local Ford Motor Company dealerships. The lower the repute of the advertising source the lower the perception of offensiveness of third or fourth degree Ad Slamming. Equally, the greater the use of 'Hard Sell' advertising techniques, the more a victim is willing to accept third or fourth degree Ad Slamming. Hard Selling in and of itself is already considered to be offensive by any living human being. Adding third or fourth degree Ad Slamming on top of the Hard Sell is considered to be almost inevitable by most advertising victims.

Keep in mind that the mark of a true Marketing Moron is customer disrespect. With that goal in mind, use levels of Ad Slamming appropriate to both your product and your target audience.

Class dismissed.